Here are the highlights from class: Set enforceable limits. Don't tell a stubborn child what to do. Instead, tell them what you are willing to do or allow. Example: Instead of saying, "Pick up your toys," say, "You may keep the toys you pick up." Start your enforceable statements with "You may," "I will," or "Feel free to...as long as it doesn't cause a problem." We also discussed how to get kids to listen the first time. It's simple: Don't tell them the second time. When your kids talk back or don't obey, say, "No problem." This is directed to yourself, not the child. Then say, "I'll take care of it." Then walk away and handle it later. Lastly, we covered the "uh oh" song for young children. When they misbehave, sing, "Uh oh, a little bedroom time." The singing is to keep anger out of your voice. Then pick them up, put them in their room (make sure it is safe), and then, "Have a nice fit, see you when you're sweet." Give them the choice of door open or shut, then if they get out the choice of door shut or locked, and if they get out again, just locked. Stay close by but do not talk to them. Once they calm down, say, "Sounds like you're calming down. I'll start the timer." They must be calm in their room for 3-7 consecutive minutes before they may come out. When finished, let them with a smile and a hug, and NO LECTURE or words about the incident.
I started our day by making the kids chore lists so I wouldn't be tempted to nag. Then I informed the kids that they were welcome to set up Halloween decorations with me as soon as everybody had all their chores done. Then I let them get to work. When it was time to put baby S down for her morning nap, I told N that her sister would be napping soon in case she needed to do any chores in her room. I was ignored, but I didn't repeat myself. Later, when the only chore left was cleaning her bedroom closet, N was upset that she couldn't take care of it for a while because she hadn't done it earlier. I didn't say, "I told you to do it before" or anything like that, but just let the natural consequence do the teaching. While practicing the piano, N got frustrated and started whining and yelling for my help. I said, "I'd be happy to help anyone who treats me with respect." She calmed down and asked nicely, so I helped her. The second time this happened, I didn't repeat my conditions for helping. I just ignored the whining, and after a few minutes she realized I wasn't going to respond and just figured it out herself.
C did most of his chores, and then decided it was good enough and went downstairs to play. My instinct was to yell at him to come back up and finish his chores. But instead I went downstairs and calmly said, "You are welcome to play down here as soon as all your chores are done." He said he thought they were, and I agreed to show him a few things he missed. I used a sing-song voice, and amazingly enough, he didn't get mad at all! In fact, as he was finishing up his chores, he said to me, "Mom, thanks for reminding me to finish my chores." I about choked on my own breath with that one! Never would I have predicted that one. In fact, I'm still not sure I could have heard him right!
Little P is at that age that I struggle with how best to discipline. He was messing with the baby's jumperoo chair, and he knows he's not allowed. So I sang, "Uh oh, a little bedroom time." I carried him to his room and finished the routine, complete with having to lock the door. It took him a few minutes to calm down, and then I told him I'd start the timer. Well, he only lasted 30 seconds or so before getting worked up again, so I had to wait until he was calm and then say, "Sounds like you're calming back down. I'll restart your timer." He was in that room for nearly a half hour. Toward the end I heard him crying to himself in there, saying, "I'm locked in here. I'm never going to get out of here," and I nearly let him out because I felt so bad for him. But eventually he was good for 3 minutes straight. I opened the door and smiled and held out my arms for a hug. Later, I had to repeat the same thing, but it was only about 15 minutes. The third time that day, he sat quietly in his room as soon as I put him there, and I didn't have to lock the door that time either! He was out in 5 minutes, and he ran right passed me, not even stopping to hug me. Instead, he ran into the living room yelling, "Guys, I get to come out!!!"
I spent the whole 4-day weekend trying my new techniques. Sometimes I did better than others, but overall I think I used them most of the time. And though C especially seemed worse than normal (testing these new boundaries I am setting up), I felt more calm and in control than normal. I wasn't losing my patience or getting angry either. All in all, it was a successful weekend!
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