Week 2 Homework

I went to my second class last night.  Mike watched the kids, and he said that everything went pretty well.  Even baby S did well, so now I won't have to worry when I go again next week.  I am enjoying these classes, because I don't take any kids with me!  Just time for myself, though I suppose all we do is talk about the kids I was so anxious to leave at home...

Last night we covered some good new stuff.  First of all, EMPATHY is the key to success.  Without the empathy, these techniques don't work so well.  Empathy allows me to remain the "good guy" and lets the bad decision be the "bad guy."  We show empathy by using a one liner that we have practiced and are comfortable with, that will express our empathy without taking on their problems.  Examples are:  "What a bummer," "This is so sad," "Oh, man," "Ohhhh," etc.

Secondly, if I am angry, I can't be empathetic, so DELAY THE CONSEQUENCE.  Simply say "I'm so angry that I can't think straight.  I make better decisions when I'm calm.  We'll talk about this later."  Or, "I am going to have to do something about this later."  That word something is magical.  Kids are more afraid of that than the actual punishment sometimes.

The last big thing covered was a generic consequence, for when I don't have a clue what the "natural consequence" should be.  It's called energy drain.  When they do something that is not right, it drains my energy so that I can't do all the things I need to do.  So then I ask the child what he/she is going to do to put that energy back (housework while I rest and rejuvenate on the couch with TV, pay for movie night for me and Mike and babysitter for the kids, etc.)

So my homework for the week:  Practice and use my empathetic phrase, delay the consequence when I'm angry, and use the energy drain consequence if I am out of ideas.  The kids were all asleep when I got home last night, and they are off at school now, so I don't have any personal experiences yet.  I am hoping to get to try them out soon and post about it.

Furniture Coloring

A couple of nights ago, I heard N say that somebody had colored all over my living room table.  Then my three year old said, "I did that."  No remorse or anything.  My first response:  get angry and then go clean it.  Then I remembered a story from class about a four year old boy who kicked a hole in the garage wall and how his dad handled it.  So I decided to give it a try.  Remember, this is P's problem, not mine.  I am not the one who colored on the furniture, so I am not the one who has to fix it.

I said, "That's too bad.  What are you going to do about this?"  He didn't know, so I asked him if he wanted a few suggestions.  He did, so I suggested, "You could get all your money and sell your toys, and then we can go to the store and you can buy a new one.  Or you can get a wet washcloth and scrub really really hard until it comes off.  If you need help, you can always pay your mom to help you clean it up."

At first P said, "I'll sell all my toys and buy a new one!"  He ran down the hall to get his toys.  His big brother C thought this was a bad idea, so he ran after him and persuaded him to try another method, reasoning that P would be bored without any toys.  Then I heard P say, "I'll get my eraser and erase it!"  I knew this wouldn't work, as I am too cheap to buy washable crayons.  But I remembered that I am not supposed to tell my child this, but let him figure that out on his own.  So I let him try his idea.  He came running back with a pink eraser and vigorously started trying to erase the marks.  After a minute, he realized it wasn't doing any good.  He was a little upset.  Time to try the next option.  He didn't want to clean alone, so he ran to his room and brought me his piggy bank.  I helped him count out some money, which he gave me in exchange for my help.  We got two rags and started cleaning.  I know he paid me, but I wasn't about to do it all for him for a few coins.  Where's the character building in that?  I made him scrub just as hard as he could the whole time that I helped.  He was tired of it, and I think his arms were a little worn out at the end, but he worked on it until it was all gone.  He was more than a little frustrated by the end, but I know he was glad to see that hard scrubbing at least worked.

After we were done, Mike asked him, "Hey, do you think you might color on something again?"  to which P vehemently responded, "No!  That was too much work!"

Lesson learned:  The more responsibility P has for his choices, the less likely he is to make the same mistake again.  This is becoming almost fun!  I can't wait until my next class tomorrow!

Love and Logic Week 1

I just started taking a parenting class called Love and Logic.  I have heard of it before but never had the opportunity to take the class.  Last week was my first in a series of 6 classes.  We learned the basic ideas of love and logic, which is that our children need to know we love them, and we should have strong relationships.  Also, we must love them enough to stand back and allow them to make mistakes, and then to fix their mistakes.  Not an easy thing for me to do, but I see the wisdom in that.

This week my assignment is to neutralize arguments between the kids and myself.  I've always thought about it more like they are arguing with me, but I suppose that if I answer back, I am part of the argument.  I chose a couple of one liners to use whenever the kids start arguing with me.  My favorite one was "I know."  I also liked "Ohhhh" and "And what did I say?"  These one liners are to be delivered without anger or sarcasm (a challenge for me), but with plenty of empathy.  This delivers the message, "I am sorry that you are not happy" without giving them any ammunition to use against me.  Because that's what we do when we argue, isn't it?  We state our point of view, and when the other person gives theirs, we find all the holes in it that we can and turn it around to strengthen our side.  Lecturing never works, either.  When somebody is upset, they will not listen with an open mind, and they don't really want to hear my opinion on the issue.  The one liners are made to keep ME out of the argument, not as a punishment for them or to teach them a lesson.  They're for me, not them.

I came home from class ready to give this a try!  I was almost dying for my older two to get home from school so I could try this out!  This sounds bad, I know, but I just really hoped somebody would argue with me!  Luck was with me, and my 7 year old son, C, started complaining to me about something.  He said, "Why do we have to do this?  We're the only kids in our neighborhood who have to."  I responded with "I know."  "Well, I'm old enough to get to do this."  "I know."  "We don't even have time to play or anything." "I know."  You get the gist of the conversation.  He started getting frustrated with me after a couple of minutes.  I took the baby into the bathroom to give her a bath, and C followed me, attempting to argue all the way.  After another "I know," he gave a frustrated noise and said, "Why do you keep saying that?  It's annoying!"  To which I responded, "I know."  Well, you can imagine how that went over!  "I don't like it!"  "I know."  By now he was almost screaming in frustration.  For once, however, I wasn't.  I was trying so hard not to laugh, because I hadn't involved myself in the argument, so I'm wasn't all worked up!  I saw the whole thing as funny, though I could understand why he was frustrated.  But my plan was working!  He finally yelled, "STOP IT!" and stormed off.  I finished bathing baby S, and with only a little trepidation came out to see what C had decided to do when I wouldn't argue with him.  He was sitting on the couch reading to his younger siblings!  I was surprised, but pleased.  I had successfully avoided my first argument!

C has always been my fiercest arguer, and perhaps that's why he figured out so fast that it wasn't going to work anymore.  I had another non-argument with him a day or two later, and he hasn't tried much since.  One complaint to me earns him an "I know" and then he just gives up and does something else.  I love it!  My 5 year old, N, is less of an arguer than her brother, so she's taking longer to figure it out.  Also, she doesn't yell and accuse so much as whine, so I've found that with her "Ohhh" works a little better.  More empathy without getting involved in her pity party.  P is my third child, and he's three.  He just likes to repeat everything I say, which is talking back for a three year old.  I am not sure which one liner to use with him, so I'll be sure to ask about it in class this week.

All in all, the parent-child arguing is greatly diminished in my house, and I can't wait until I get to learn about some more fun, perhaps torturous tricks to try with my kids!

The Curve

I have decided that parenting has a steep learning curve.  You think you're ready for kids and you know just how yours will act.  Then you actually get one, and he's nothing like what you thought you'd have.  In many ways he's better.  Unfortunately, parenting is harder than you thought, and all your preconceived notions of how you were going to parent this "perfect child" don't work.  At least that is how my parenting experience has been.  Each kid is different (I know, as I now have four!).  And you can be sure that between the four of them, all of the qualities on my "My Kid Will Never Be Like That" list can be found in at least one.  So now my job is to figure out how to teach these precious kiddos to be responsible, respectful, happy kids and someday adults in a world where those qualities are getting harder to find.
I want to remember my experiences with my kids.  I only get to have them once, and I am determined to enjoy it.  After all, they are what I've always wanted and what make me the happiest.  I decided to record my memories and experiences so that I can remember them later, and so that others can enjoy them with me.