I just started taking a parenting class called Love and Logic. I have heard of it before but never had the opportunity to take the class. Last week was my first in a series of 6 classes. We learned the basic ideas of love and logic, which is that our children need to know we love them, and we should have strong relationships. Also, we must love them enough to stand back and allow them to make mistakes, and then to fix their mistakes. Not an easy thing for me to do, but I see the wisdom in that.
This week my assignment is to neutralize arguments between the kids and myself. I've always thought about it more like they are arguing with me, but I suppose that if I answer back, I am part of the argument. I chose a couple of one liners to use whenever the kids start arguing with me. My favorite one was "I know." I also liked "Ohhhh" and "And what did I say?" These one liners are to be delivered without anger or sarcasm (a challenge for me), but with plenty of empathy. This delivers the message, "I am sorry that you are not happy" without giving them any ammunition to use against me. Because that's what we do when we argue, isn't it? We state our point of view, and when the other person gives theirs, we find all the holes in it that we can and turn it around to strengthen our side. Lecturing never works, either. When somebody is upset, they will not listen with an open mind, and they don't really want to hear my opinion on the issue. The one liners are made to keep ME out of the argument, not as a punishment for them or to teach them a lesson. They're for me, not them.
I came home from class ready to give this a try! I was almost dying for my older two to get home from school so I could try this out! This sounds bad, I know, but I just really hoped somebody would argue with me! Luck was with me, and my 7 year old son, C, started complaining to me about something. He said, "Why do we have to do this? We're the only kids in our neighborhood who have to." I responded with "I know." "Well, I'm old enough to get to do this." "I know." "We don't even have time to play or anything." "I know." You get the gist of the conversation. He started getting frustrated with me after a couple of minutes. I took the baby into the bathroom to give her a bath, and C followed me, attempting to argue all the way. After another "I know," he gave a frustrated noise and said, "Why do you keep saying that? It's annoying!" To which I responded, "I know." Well, you can imagine how that went over! "I don't like it!" "I know." By now he was almost screaming in frustration. For once, however, I wasn't. I was trying so hard not to laugh, because I hadn't involved myself in the argument, so I'm wasn't all worked up! I saw the whole thing as funny, though I could understand why he was frustrated. But my plan was working! He finally yelled, "STOP IT!" and stormed off. I finished bathing baby S, and with only a little trepidation came out to see what C had decided to do when I wouldn't argue with him. He was sitting on the couch reading to his younger siblings! I was surprised, but pleased. I had successfully avoided my first argument!
C has always been my fiercest arguer, and perhaps that's why he figured out so fast that it wasn't going to work anymore. I had another non-argument with him a day or two later, and he hasn't tried much since. One complaint to me earns him an "I know" and then he just gives up and does something else. I love it! My 5 year old, N, is less of an arguer than her brother, so she's taking longer to figure it out. Also, she doesn't yell and accuse so much as whine, so I've found that with her "Ohhh" works a little better. More empathy without getting involved in her pity party. P is my third child, and he's three. He just likes to repeat everything I say, which is talking back for a three year old. I am not sure which one liner to use with him, so I'll be sure to ask about it in class this week.
All in all, the parent-child arguing is greatly diminished in my house, and I can't wait until I get to learn about some more fun, perhaps torturous tricks to try with my kids!
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