Warm Koolaid??

With the holidays fast approaching, Mike and I find ourselves staying up later and later, trying to get those last minute projects done.  Needless to say, last night was no exception.  Last night it was 12:30am before we were ready to go to bed, and by then one of the kids was awake and needing us.  So I finally went to sleep at 1:00am, only to be woken by the baby at 2:30 and again by the three year old at 3:15.  So when 7:00am came around, I wasn't really ready to get up.  It's Sunday, so theoretically we can sleep in.  Mike always does, but somehow that doesn't work for me.  Unusually, I wasn't awakened by loud children, but by a "menu" being placed on top of me.  It had breakfast choices.  Thinking how adorable my kiddos are, I filled out the order form, requesting toast with jam, and rolled back over to get some sleep.  A few minutes later, after many entertaining sounds coming from the kitchen, I was served a plate with a piece of "toast" on it.  I use the term loosely, because the bread wasn't toasted, more like dried out a bit.  There was butter spread on both sides, and clumps of grape jelly on the top.  After sending it back to the kitchen, I got the upgraded version, which included the grape jelly scraped off to the side of my plate, and clumps of homemade apricot jam on the bread instead.
About this time, I heard the baby awake, and I saw my oldest bringing me a very full cup of deep red liquid.  I decided to get up so that Mike could sleep and so I wouldn't have to clean up red carpet.  I came into the kitchen to eat my breakfast.  The kids told me they made me a warm drink.  Since they couldn't find the cocoa, they made me hot koolaid.  It was warm and bitter.  C told me that they put a whole packet into the cup with some hot tap water and decided it needed sugar.  So they added some.  It was very gross, which those of you who have ever had unsweetened, concentrated koolaid will know.  But it was so sweet that I tried a few swallows anyway and thanked them for being so thoughtful.  Even though I didn't drink the koolaid, and I discreetly threw the interesting toast out, it warmed my heart to see how considerate and sweet these little angels of mine are.  As an added bonus, I didn't have to cook breakfast today.  They even cleaned up 2/3 of their mess!  And come to think of it, I'm sure nobody else had quite as special of a meal this morning as I did!

It's Rubbing Off...

One of the common phrases I learned in my classes is "I love you too much to argue about it."  This is supposed to keep me from arguing with the kids.  I have used this with moderate success for several weeks now.
Tonight at dinner, I was feeding the baby corn, and I wasn't paying close attention to the kids' conversation.  But I did notice that it was starting to turn into an argument.  Before I could do anything, N said something that got my immediate attention.  She turned to her older brother C and said, "I love you too much to argue about it."  I looked over at her right away, and she looked at me a bit sheepishly.  I was so enthusiastic!  "That's right, N.  Way to go!  You're going to make a great mom someday!"  I love that she is starting to use these techniques to eliminate arguing!!!!  And it's that much more entertaining to see her use them on her brothers!  It shocked C so much that the argument was over that instant!  Here's to more getting along...

Back to the Grind

Well it was business as usual this week, with school and life back to normal.  I decided to implement some new tactics into our daily schedule, and so far we are having moderate success.  When the kids woke up Monday morning, I had a list of morning chores ready for them and I said, "You're welcome to have breakfast as soon as all of your chores are done."  In our house, food is a good motivator, so the kids actually got all their work done before school!  They weren't happy about it, but at least it got done.  And I didn't have to spend my first hour after they were gone cleaning up after them, because I made sure to put that stuff on their chore lists.  I have also done the same thing for them after school.  "You are welcome to play or do what you want as soon as all your chores are done."

I've had a few challenges from different kids, but I think I've handled it okay.  Last night, C was teasing his little brother with toys, so the toys had to be taken (in an empathetic way and without anger).  Then he got made at me and threw a fit, so I had him do some chores for me, which made him furious.  But by the time the chores were done, he had calmed right down, and I had three things marked off of my list of what to prepare before Grandma's visit!

Then this morning, I told little P that he could eat as soon as he was dressed and had shoes and socks on.  Well, an hour later it was time to take the older kids to school, and he was still running around in his underwear.  I loaded everybody up in the car and then went to get P.  He was in panic mode by now, as he realized I was really leaving.  Not willing to leave him behind, I picked him up in his half dressed state (he had managed to get his pants on at least) and buckled him into the car.  He had no shirt, coat, socks, shoes, or breakfast, and boy was he mad.  He screamed at me for most of the drive.  We dropped off the kids and went home, and wouldn't you know, he got dressed right away!  I am curious to see how our morning routine goes tomorrow...

Trying New Tricks, Week 3

I got a lot of new information in my class last week, and as luck would have it, my kids didn't have school the following two days.  So I had lots of opportunities to try some new techniques out.  I reviewed my new information and steeled myself to stick to the new plans.

Here are the highlights from class:  Set enforceable limits.  Don't tell a stubborn child what to do.  Instead, tell them what you are willing to do or allow.  Example:  Instead of saying, "Pick up your toys," say, "You may keep the toys you pick up."  Start your enforceable statements with "You may," "I will," or "Feel free to...as long as it doesn't cause a problem."  We also discussed how to get kids to listen the first time.  It's simple:  Don't tell them the second time.  When your kids talk back or don't obey, say, "No problem."  This is directed to yourself, not the child.  Then say, "I'll take care of it."  Then walk away and handle it later.  Lastly, we covered the "uh oh" song for young children.  When they misbehave, sing, "Uh oh, a little bedroom time."  The singing is to keep anger out of your voice.  Then pick them up, put them in their room (make sure it is safe), and then, "Have a nice fit, see you when you're sweet."  Give them the choice of door open or shut, then if they get out the choice of door shut or locked, and if they get out again, just locked.  Stay close by but do not talk to them.  Once they calm down, say, "Sounds like you're calming down.  I'll start the timer."  They must be calm in their room for 3-7 consecutive minutes before they may come out.  When finished, let them with a smile and a hug, and NO LECTURE or words about the incident.

I started our day by making the kids chore lists so I wouldn't be tempted to nag.  Then I informed the kids that they were welcome to set up Halloween decorations with me as soon as everybody had all their chores done.  Then I let them get to work.  When it was time to put baby S down for her morning nap, I told N that her sister would be napping soon in case she needed to do any chores in her room.  I was ignored, but I didn't repeat myself.  Later, when the only chore left was cleaning her bedroom closet, N was upset that she couldn't take care of it for a while because she hadn't done it earlier.  I didn't say, "I told you to do it before" or anything like that, but just let the natural consequence do the teaching.  While practicing the piano, N got frustrated and started whining and yelling for my help.  I said, "I'd be happy to help anyone who treats me with respect."  She calmed down and asked nicely, so I helped her.  The second time this happened, I didn't repeat my conditions for helping.  I just ignored the whining, and after a few minutes she realized I wasn't going to respond and just figured it out herself.

C did most of his chores, and then decided it was good enough and went downstairs to play.  My instinct was to yell at him to come back up and finish his chores.  But instead I went downstairs and calmly said, "You are welcome to play down here as soon as all your chores are done."  He said he thought they were, and I agreed to show him a few things he missed.  I used a sing-song voice, and amazingly enough, he didn't get mad at all!  In fact, as he was finishing up his chores, he said to me, "Mom, thanks for reminding me to finish my chores."  I about choked on my own breath with that one!  Never would I have predicted that one.  In fact, I'm still not sure I could have heard him right!

Little P is at that age that I struggle with how best to discipline.  He was messing with the baby's jumperoo chair, and he knows he's not allowed.  So I sang, "Uh oh, a little bedroom time."  I carried him to his room and finished the routine, complete with having to lock the door.  It took him a few minutes to calm down, and then I told him I'd start the timer.  Well, he only lasted 30 seconds or so before getting worked up again, so I had to wait until he was calm and then say, "Sounds like you're calming back down.  I'll restart your timer."  He was in that room for nearly a half hour.  Toward the end I heard him crying to himself in there, saying, "I'm locked in here.  I'm never going to get out of here," and I nearly let him out because I felt so bad for him.  But eventually he was good for 3 minutes straight.  I opened the door and smiled and held out my arms for a hug.  Later, I had to repeat the same thing, but it was only about 15 minutes.  The third time that day, he sat quietly in his room as soon as I put him there, and I didn't have to lock the door that time either!  He was out in 5 minutes, and he ran right passed me, not even stopping to hug me.  Instead, he ran into the living room yelling, "Guys, I get to come out!!!"

I spent the whole 4-day weekend trying my new techniques.  Sometimes I did better than others, but overall I think I used them most of the time.  And though C especially seemed worse than normal (testing these new boundaries I am setting up), I felt more calm and in control than normal.   I wasn't losing my patience or getting angry either.  All in all, it was a successful weekend!

Energy Drain!

My three year old has a little problem with talking back.  For instance, I will say, "Go brush your teeth," and P will respond with, "No, YOU go brush your teeth!"  Cute at first, but problematic after a while.  I was told last week at class that we'll cover stuff to help this little ones tonight in our class, but in the meantime, I wanted to figure something out for this.

So one day he decided to talk back to me, and I replied, "Oh! Energy drain!  Energy drain!  When you talked back, you took all my energy!  I am so tired now, I don't think I can even cook dinner or anything!  How are you going to put that energy back?"  He didn't know, so I said, "Well, some kids help their moms over to the couch and let them rest there with the baby while they clean up the house, like by putting away all the shoes and coats and stuff."  He liked this idea, so he took my hand and led me over to the couch.  Then he got to work putting all the shoes away and other things that I pointed out to him.  All the while, I would say, "Oh, thank you P!  This is helping me, I can tell.  I am getting a little energy back already."  When he had finished, he asked me, "Do you have your energy back now?"  I told him I did, and I proceeded to make dinner.

I was floored that it worked!  I mean, I decided to try it, but I didn't honestly think it would work that well.  Awesome!  And very entertaining!  He was so cute, and the way he just believed me and agreed that I needed my energy back.  And he didn't talk back the rest of the night!  I'm going to keep trying this one.

On a side note, I can see that I'm going to have to tone down the theatrics for my 7 year old.  C kept coming up to me and whispering, "You're just faking, right?  You just want him to stop talking back.  You just want him to help you.  It's not real, right?" I assured C that I might have been a bit theatrical about it, but when kids don't obey, it really DOES take my energy.  I'll have to play it more cool with him.

My Apologies to the Baby

Those of you who have had babies at your house may recall the seemingly endless hours of sleep that they require.  Consequently, I find myself saying "Quiet!  The baby's asleep!" in a hushed, angry voice all day long.  Well, Saturday was no different, at least at first.  Mike was hunting, and I was trying to get some chores done in the morning while baby S took her nap.  The kids were playing rambunctiously, and I told them a couple of times to be quiet or they'd wake the baby.  I was ignored, and sure enough, S woke up crying 30 minutes before she normally would.  I still had several chores to do, chores which I realized I wouldn't get to finish.  That is, until I remembered that this was NOT MY PROBLEM!

I told my kids, "Oh, bummer, you guys were loud, and now S is awake.  That's too bad.  I still have a few chores to do, so I can't take care of her.  You'll need to take care of her while I finish up."  This sounded fine to them.  C went into her room and got her out of the crib.  He brought her to the living room, where the three older kids proceeded to try to make her happy.  This is much easier said than done with my youngest.  If she isn't happy, the only thing that helps is to have me or Mike pick her up and carry her around.  She was still tired, which made it worse.  They tried putting her on her tummy, on her back, holding her, giving her toys, singing her songs, playing games, etc.  Nothing worked.  I didn't rush my chores or leave a few until later.  I kept working on my housework, all the while listening to S screaming and the other three getting more and more frustrated that they couldn't get her to stop.  (I think I should make it clear that I was always watching them, making sure that nobody hurt baby S in any way!)

The amazing part about this:  I wasn't upset or grumpy!  I mean, sure the house was totally chaotic and extremely loud.  But for once it wasn't my problem, it was theirs.  So it didn't bug my like it normally does.  After about 20 minutes of this, I finished my chores and went into the living room to get S and calm her down.  Within 5 seconds of picking her up, she stopped crying.  (I love it when that happens!)  The kids were so relieved.

I realized that this had several positive results.  First of all, it improved my mood during this type of situation.  I was more relaxed and calm, and therefore a better mother.  Secondly, it taught them the importance of letting S sleep.  We'll see how this weekend goes, but I am hopeful that they'll remember to use softer voices when she naps.

I did feel pretty bad for poor little S.  Crying and screaming, and just plain unhappy for 20 minutes.  But I am banking on the fact that she won't remember it to hold it against me and that it was worth it to teach an important lesson.  So sorry S!

Week 2 Homework

I went to my second class last night.  Mike watched the kids, and he said that everything went pretty well.  Even baby S did well, so now I won't have to worry when I go again next week.  I am enjoying these classes, because I don't take any kids with me!  Just time for myself, though I suppose all we do is talk about the kids I was so anxious to leave at home...

Last night we covered some good new stuff.  First of all, EMPATHY is the key to success.  Without the empathy, these techniques don't work so well.  Empathy allows me to remain the "good guy" and lets the bad decision be the "bad guy."  We show empathy by using a one liner that we have practiced and are comfortable with, that will express our empathy without taking on their problems.  Examples are:  "What a bummer," "This is so sad," "Oh, man," "Ohhhh," etc.

Secondly, if I am angry, I can't be empathetic, so DELAY THE CONSEQUENCE.  Simply say "I'm so angry that I can't think straight.  I make better decisions when I'm calm.  We'll talk about this later."  Or, "I am going to have to do something about this later."  That word something is magical.  Kids are more afraid of that than the actual punishment sometimes.

The last big thing covered was a generic consequence, for when I don't have a clue what the "natural consequence" should be.  It's called energy drain.  When they do something that is not right, it drains my energy so that I can't do all the things I need to do.  So then I ask the child what he/she is going to do to put that energy back (housework while I rest and rejuvenate on the couch with TV, pay for movie night for me and Mike and babysitter for the kids, etc.)

So my homework for the week:  Practice and use my empathetic phrase, delay the consequence when I'm angry, and use the energy drain consequence if I am out of ideas.  The kids were all asleep when I got home last night, and they are off at school now, so I don't have any personal experiences yet.  I am hoping to get to try them out soon and post about it.